Finally! The moment of coagulated anticipation has arrived! The Deciblog is ready to unveil the top five Satanic souls who conquered our Ancient VVisdom Contest, presenting their Satanic treatises unedited and unabridged. Each scored themselves a fresh, hands-on copy of A Godlike Inferno! Jealllooouuusss. 5. Through a simple twist of fate, Paulee was converted from comic book nerd into Black Metal demonomaniac.
As I crossed the threshold of Newbury Comics, I didn't realize that I was entering a new dark stage of my nascent metal life. There on the record racks behind the counter were the three infernal maestros known as Venom and their new single "Die Hard". They were leering at me, hands beckoning to come join them and their dark master. All I had to do was plunk down just a small offering, a mere six bucks. Standing around a mummified head with black candles malevolently burning, Venom seemed to say to "Come, join us and be a part of the unholy force and power that is part of his unholy majesty." Their faces were so determined and strangely enticing and I felt the possession. I had to have it. I had to hear the evil emanations of Venom's cataclysmic cacophony. It was too late to turn back! That day, Satan had succeeded in acquiring part of my soul.
4. Lucky Eduardo spins us a grueling yarn that I couldn’t even bear to finish. But if you skip ahead, it ends with him ritually sacrificing his scrotum to join league with Satan’s incredible eunuch army!
I’m sitting here reading the Deciblog while it’s storming outside. The trees are swaying, the rain is falling, and the clouds are eating the sky with a venomous bite. To my right sits a copy of Martin Popoff’s new book, The Collector’s Guide To Heavy Metal Volume 4 (the 00’s) and a cup of coffee so black it could have been brewed in the pick-ups of Euronomous’s beat up Les Paul(was that a copy? Who has that now? Could make a fortune at auction!). One could deduce that the appropriate soundtrack to such a morning would be something of the Craig Pillard variety. Perhaps some classic Golgotha or the digital rejecting sonics of the Disma debut. Alas, that is frighteningly not the case. To my chagrin I find my booty shaking to the pulsating beats of A-Ha’s greatest hits. Even more alarming is the fact that I find myself bypassing the up tempo numbers in favor of the falsetto driven tear slicing ballads. I’m convinced that Satan has one hand on my stereo(what’s that?) and another on my gyrating hips. It’s not so much that I should win, it’s a matter of life and death. Don’t let Satan take me. Do the right thing and pop that puppy in the mail before Coldplay comes on.
3. While wearing black T’s and slinging an electric Axe, Evil Matt edits the Devilish sequel to Rango, tentatively titled “Rango II: The Unholy Fisting Of Rango's Little Reptilian Bunghole.”
Seriously...it's my nickname at work.
I work at a children's animated film company in NY and I wear heavy metal shirts everyday and play my electric guitar in the conference room at lunch.
I also generally don't give a fuck about office politics so I end up offending everyone.
I actually got the nickname because there's another Matt here and he tried to distance himself from me by calling himself the "Good Matt" in some company-wide email. I responded that I'd gladly be "Evil Matt" as long as I'm the one with a gun....and the nickname stuck.
So, 7 years later I'm unpromotable but I still rock out at lunch and give zero fucks about management...basically I'm living the dream.
p.s. I'm actually an atheist, but if forced to choose I'd much rather rock with Satan than kneel to a god.
(P.P.S. You’re lucky we chose the winners at random, poser. – Frank.)
2. Our man Nathaniel should have done the right thing and shot up his shitty high school, but instead he only took the rap for it. Maybe next time he’ll listen to our Infernal Master and blast those bible-toting Indianans straight to heaven.
In the late 90's and early 2000's, the more redneck portion of my hometown of Martinsville, Indiana flexed its bigoted muscles by targeting and labeling a section of the town's teenagers as devil-worshipers and/or potential cult members. This claim was made public in a couple of articles in the local newspaper by the publication's editor along with the town sheriff and one of his veteran deputies. The article warned the citizens that their children may very well be in league with Satan, and actually provided a check-list of potential signs of guilt. Among those alleged indications of "satanic activity": unnatural hair color, black clothing, the burning of incense and/or candles, extreme music and merchandise related to a band the newspaper referred to as "Marlon Manson".
As soon as this grotesquely ignorant bit of misinformation saturated the minds of the publication's loyal readers, a huge spike of harassment occurrences was noticed among my circle of friends, who were all targeted by school faculty, random people on the street with threats to our well-being and even kicked out of local businesses when we were doing nothing wrong whatsoever. I can't help but think that this witch hunt was fueled by an uninformed reaction to the Columbine tragedy in cooperation with good old Bible Belt small-mindedness. Fast forward to today, and the town really hasn't changed much. I'm just glad I'm not there anymore.
1. And this guy won... the same thing as everyone else! Bow to the King, baby!
I thought eating a can of alphaghetti alone was pretty damn evil but the fact that I found SATAN over and over within the bowl took it to another level. The Black Lord has entered my life through music and food!